You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.

Do you ever feel like this?  I've had an especially rough couple of weeks with one of my kids and this is how I feel.  I was never an angry person until I had kids but it seems like there is something about those little people that has brought out all kinds of things.  Things I would have never thought I'd do, say, feel, think....I know a lot of moms (and dads) that struggle with anger but don't know what to do about it.

I have been trying to figure out what exactly causes the feelings of anger in me.  I think it's partly a loss of control.  Lack of sleep, blocked goals, no personal freedom, monetary stress - lots of things contribute.  In an effort to figure out a healthy way to deal with it I searched for a book on the topic and came up with this one.

I really like Gary Chapman. I have a hard time reading for information and there are some Christian Living books that I just can't get through.  My learning style struggles. But this author presents information in a way that is easy for me to understand.  I'm in the middle of this book and so far it's really good.   Anger is an emotion that God has and because we are created in His image we also have it.  Anger in itself is not a bad thing but is designed to motivate us to take positive action when we encounter injustice.    Learning how to handle anger and to distinguish between the types of anger is something that I think will be very helpful.

In this book, he says that the first step when dealing with anger is acknowledging to yourself that you are angry (even the Hulk does this :).  It sounds basic when you are obviously mad, but if you take the time to do this first step you are more likely to have a positive response.  Because the emotion of anger comes on so suddenly, often we are caught up in the verbal or physical response to the anger before ever consciously acknowledging what is going on inside of us.  He suggests actually saying the words out loud "I am angry about this.  Now what am I going to do."  You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take.

The second step he lists for handling valid anger is to restrain your immediate response.  Do what you need to do not react.  Bite your tongue, go on a walk, count to ten, take death breaths - do whatever it takes retrain your immediate response.  When you give full vent to your anger you will do or say something that cannot be undone.  Proverbs 19:11  Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.  

Next he says to locate the focus of your anger.  I find that when I'm getting upset with my kids, if I actually stop and think about my mood, it's usually not the kids I'm mad at.  It's often something else.  If I go through steps one and two and then take the time to analyze what I'm actually angry about I will be less likely to yell at my kids or take it out on them.  After finding the focus of your anger, step four is to analyze your options.  The Bible gives a specific way in which we are to deal with conflict with other believers.  Luke 9:54-56  You can choose to go and talk with the person who has wronged you or you can choose to give the matter to God.  There are times when the best Christian is to admit that I have been wronged but to conclude that confronting the person who did the wrong holds little or no redemptive value.  Therefore, I choose to accept the wrong and commit the person to God.  This is not the same as stuffing or store your anger.  It is quite the opposite.  It is releasing the anger to God....You are making a conscious choice to overlook the offence and this is what the Bible calls forbearance.  
After analyzing options the last step is to take action.  Either lovingly confront the person or give it to God.

The next part of the book talks about distinguishing between valid and distorted anger.  I thought this was a very good section.  Sometimes we feel anger because we have been wronged and sometimes we feel anger because we are are just tired, frustrated, hungry or having a bad day.  If we restrain our immediate response to anger we are able to think through whether or not we actually have a reason to be angry.  I hate it when I really think about it and realize that I actually had no right to be angry.  No injustice was inflicted upon me.  No one sinned against me - I was just being selfish.  Or "a little princess" as my mom would say.

If you stop and think about it - what do your kids do that make you angry?  Do you actually have a valid reason to be angry about it?  Is something they are doing bringing up feelings from childhood or from the past?  Are you just emulating your parents and how they responded?  I usually get angry because I wait too long to deal with things.  I am in the middle of something and don't want to stop.  I wait until the 13th time the kid yells (or does whatever) and by them I'm really mad.  Instead I should have dealt with it the first time - for their good and for mine.  It is important that I make sure they obey me the first time I say to do something.  I want my kids to know the right way to handle anger and conflict so that when they are my age they won't have to be unlearning some bad habits.  They will learn from the way my husband and I deal with anger so it's important that we get this figured out.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the book and what I'm going to learn.  I'll post more when I finish the it!