You are their protection

Recently we had people over for dinner.  Our kids didn't know them but were so excited to have company.  As soon as they heard, they started making cards, pictures, fans, and anything else they could think of to give them.  It made me ache a little watching it.  These precious little children trust me so much.  They know that anyone who comes into our home is going to like them.  And they are right.  The only people we have in our home are people who will treat everyone in our family a certain way.

As a mom (or dad) you are your child's first line of protection.  We can pray that God will protect our kids but as a parent it starts with you.  You need to have wisdom about the people you allow into your child's life.  You need to have wisdom about the people who watch your children, play with your children and who come into your home.  Your home is a sacred place that your family should be able to feel safe in.  Watching my children be vulnerable like that made me feel this even more strongly.  I will never have a child to my house that is not nice to ALL my kids.  I won't have babysitters that don't know Jesus and have their own walk with Him, and I won't be dropping my kids off in places where I don't know the people in charge.  These precious little people need me to be their protector until they are ready to go out there and make some decisions of their own.  God gave them to me to take care of and that doesn't mean to just feed them and buy them clothes.  It means protecting them from physical or emotional harm.  It means training, teaching and disciplining them.  And it means that I have to be an example.

Proverbs 14:26
Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.

I love this verse.  If I am living life with my God, He will be protecting my children.  An added blessing of my relationship with God will create an extra hedge of protection for them that I alone could not give them.

Do you know what's in the books your kids read?  Or the shows they watch?  Or the music they are listening to?  Anything that goes into that precious little mind is going to influence it, make an impression on it, and be in there forever.  Forever!!  You can't take it out once it's in there!  As a parent we have so much influence over our children.  Pay attention to what is going into their minds.  My kids will make their own choices in life no matter what I do, but I need to do everything possible to help them know Christ.  I hope that I'm doing that.  I hope they will grow into adults that know and love God.  I hope they have teachable spirits and wisdom with the choices they make.  And I hope that they will influence others for Christ.  

Proverbs 22:6
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Created for a purpose

Do you know that you were created by a God who loves you and has a plan for your life?  Even if you were an accident, a surprise, or unwanted by your earthly parents - you were not by God.  It is an absolute miracle that you are alive.  He wanted you, He created you for a purpose and He has a plan for your life. He knows everything there is to know about you.

Psalm 139:13  
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

When we take the time to let that sink in it puts things in a different perspective.  And when we think of other people that way, it changes the way we treat them.  That frustrating neighbor - was created by God.  The crabby mailman - was created by God.  And the jerk in the parking lot - was created by God.  It has been good for me to remember that this week.

God has a plan for each of us.  He gave each of us special gifts and abilities but if we aren't using them for God, what is the point?  In order to find out what we're supposed to be doing with these gifts we need to spend time with Him.  Just going to church on Sundays isn't enough.  If you are married, how would your relationship be if you saw your husband for an hour, maybe two, every week?  It just wouldn't be enough time would it?  In order to make the decisions about your children, home and finances and to just enjoy being married, you would need more time.  The same goes with God.  The more time you spend with Him the better you will get to know Him and what His plan is for your life.  He has one - don't you want to know it?

So how do you spend time with God?  Read your bible, do a bible study, pray, spend time with other believers, memorize verses, and get involved in your church.  Don't be overwhelmed - you don't have to do it all at once.  If you are new to reading your bible or are just don't know where to begin, try starting in Proverbs.  There are thirty-one short chapters and you can read one each day.  You can search online for bible reading plans that are be very helpful - giving you what to read each day.  http://www.youversion.com  Do a bible study - either by yourself or with others.  Your church probably has ones to join but if not, your daily personal time with God could be with a bible study.  I really like Kay Arthur and Elizabeth George but there are tons out there that are wonderful!  You can search on http://www.cbd.com or amazon.  If you want to memorize verses but don't know where to start get a memory verse pack - they sells those at cbd.com too.  If your children are in Sunday school or Awana you can use the verses they are learning and do it with them.

Part of my older girls morning routine is reading their bibles or devotional books.  If they can read, they can be doing that.  God created them for a purpose too!  Sometimes the things that we go through actually have nothing to do with us but are because God has a bigger plan for our family tree.  If you are struggling with a move, a change in jobs, change in your church or friendships - God may be moving you in a direction because of what He plans to do with your children because of it.  I have no idea what God plans for my children are but we won't ever find out if we aren't spending time with Him.  Your children need their own walk with God and can't just have it through you.

This is one of my very favorite Psalms and after having children meant so much more.  God created you and He created your children.  He chose you to be their parent.  He has a purpose for both of you and He wants you to know Him.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

You won't like me when I'm angry - part 2

I just finished this book and it was so good - I wish I could give a copy to everyone I know!  Very few people are raised seeing anger handled the right way and if everyone used the principles in this book it would change so many things.  This book had chapters on what to do when you are angry with your spouse, with your kids, with God, and with yourself and how to confront an angry person.

When you get angry do you implode or explode?  Both have consequences but the consequences are different.  The definition of implosive anger is "internalized anger that is never expressed" (p.88)   It can come from a fear of confrontation or the incorrect thinking that all anger is wrong. You can recognize when  person is doing this by their withdrawal, and saying things like "I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated"  or "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed."  When you implode you don't say anything.  You brood, simmer, and deny.  Recognizing that I usually internalize anger was good because many times I've been angry I didn't want to admit it, for whatever reason.  And didn't actually even recognize it as anger.  It's hard to go about handling it the right way if you don't recognize it!

One of the dangers of long term unprocessed anger is that it can lead to depression and health problems later in life.  You just cannot stuff it forever because someday the long term affects of anger will show.   That makes perfect sense to read but I have known people that struggled with depression and I had never before thought of it coming from unresolved anger issues.  You can deal with wrongs and injustices from years ago.  You need to!   You have a choice whether to seek reconciliation or give it to God and the book goes into detail about how to do both.  Either way you will feel better when through it.  Ephesians 4:26  In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

I thought the chapter on how to confront an angry person was helpful, although it's actually more about when an angry person confronts you  :).  I have one child that

shows anger more - some temperaments just do.  When she gets angry she usually gets in trouble because of the way she's talking.  She gets sent to time out or to her room until she can calm down and this does quiet things down but doesn't actually deal with the issue of her anger.  "Putting a cap on it" as the author says.  We end up focusing on the outburst and then forget to deal with the issue that started it and it's not helping her, it's making her worse.   We may not like the way the angry person is speaking to us, but the fact that he is sharing his anger is positive.  The anger cannot be processed positively if it is held inside.  It needs to be expressed, even if it is expressed with a loud voice.  In order to help the angry person, you must temporarily overlook the loudness of his voice, the glare of her eyes, and the intensity of the body language.  If you are dealing with a friend, neighbor or anyone else I completely agree but for your own child I just don't know what I think of this.  It seems to make sense but I also just can't let my child yell at me.  Usually when she's gotten to that point she's not making sense and can't even here us.  Maybe I can send her to calm down but then make sure I do not overdo the punishment and work at listening to her more once she's out.

The biggest thing I can do as a parent is to set a good example because my kids are going to emulate me.  The next thing to do is listen to them.  Listen, listen, listen!  I don't think it's ok for my kid to be yelling at me but if I can get past that part for a second and listen to what she's actually upset about maybe I will be able to help her more.  We can deal with the other afterwards.  As parents we have so much control - we can guide our children through anger episodes.  If we remain calm, don't take it personal, and listen we can help them.  Or at least I hope so because just sending her to time out for yelling isn't working.

There are so many other good things in this book - I hope that someone out there gets it and reads it!   I hope that I am able to help my family and I hope that my ability to reach others for Christ is affected because I'm living how He would want me to live.

Interruptions

Last night I went to the store because I remembered late that I had run out of coffee creamer.  I was really

tired and could have gone without but something urged me to get there and I'm glad I went.  While at the store I saw a little boy that I felt like I was supposed to pray for.  I've seen him around town before, and each time I have felt the same way - an urgent tugging in my heart to pray for him.  I wish I knew his story but I don't so can only pray general things.  I am thankful for the holy spirit's presence in my life to give these urgings and I'm thankful that I have a God who listens to my prayers.  In order for God to use me this way I have to be paying attention though.  If I am not in spending time with God in the Word and praying I'm going to miss these opportunities because  I won't be sensitive to the holy spirit's leading.

Sometimes I need to remember that interruptions are the holy spirits leading.  One of the hardest things for me about being a mom is being interrupted.  I do not switch gears easily.  I wish I did but I don't.  These interruptions are important though.  They have led to conversations and teaching times with my kids that needed to happen.  I am mostly at home because my kids are young so that's where I feel it  but interruptions can come from other places as well.  An unexpected "stop by" or phone call, a long wait at the grocery store or pharmacy, car trouble, flat tires...We often miss opportunities to pray and minister to others because we are frustrated that things aren't going according to our plan.   I've heard it said that we should think of these  interruptions as "God appointments".  I need to remember to pray that God would order my day - that I would go along with His plan for my day.  When I do pray this, I handle these God appointments, or changes to my plan, better.

I go to a mom's group called Mom's Time Out and last year one of the speakers talked about how God used her when her children were small.  She and her husband are missionaries and they would often have people to their home.  It seemed like things in the conversation would just be getting to a crucial place when one of their babies would wake up and she'd have to leave.  At first she was frustrated at the interruption but then started looking at it differently.  When she was called away to deal with the child she would pray for her husband and the person he was talking to.  And that was her part of the ministry.  She spent a lot of years in back rooms rocking babies and praying and feels like it has made a difference.

When we are faced with an unexpected bump in our day we may see immediately how God used it but we may not.  We may never know how the words we say or the prayers we prayed affected things but it does have an impact.  I don't know if I will ever meet that little boy or find out his name.  I am confident that God brought him across my path because for some reason he needs prayers.  And so I'm gonna pray.

Kids Need Chores!

I said before that I've been having a rough time with one of my kids lately.  The last time we went through this she was about four.  That was a hard age because mentally she was ready to do things she physically couldn't do yet.  At the time I could tell what was frustrating her, so found things that she was able to do.  She started making her bed, setting the table, and I let her start helping me more in the kitchen.  And she felt better.  After thinking through this current phase of frustrations I decided it was time to give her some new chores to do.  Mentally she is ready to be doing more and I needed to give her the opportunity.

This week I put her in charge of making breakfast, taught her how to start the washing machine, and tried to tighten up the other items she is responsible for.  Letting go of some of these things wasn't easy for me but she needed it and has done a fantastic job.  It's habit to help our kids with certain things - shoes, getting dressed etc.  Every now and then do you look up at realize that you are still giving your four year old a sippy cup?  Helping your five year old get dressed?  Or making your six year old's bed?  Most kids are capable of so much more than their parents give them credit for.  I talked about giving kids chores in my cleaning post last month and after a much more peaceful week here I am again a firm believer!  Your kids can do it!  And they need to!  It's good for them to be responsible for things.  They are learning skills now that future things can build on and it is good for their own confidence and self-esteem to know that they can do it.

I remember being a kid and wanting so badly for my parents to know that I could do it (can't remember the specific "it" thing).  I remember getting so frustrated and saying "I just want to show you I can do it!"  My surprised mom said "well of course I knew you could do that".  She hadn't realized that was something I needed, but I needed to know that she thought I could do it.  Our kids need that too.  They need our encouragement and we should be their biggest supporters.  It is amazing what a boost it is for a child to know that their mom has confidence in them.  If my mom thinks I can do it, then I can do it!  And I still feel that way today.  :)

Have you heard the phrase "idle hands are the devil's workshop"?  That is another good reason for chores.  The Bible warns against idleness.  It's trouble plain and simple and it's just as dangerous for kids to be idle as it is for adults to be idle.

2 Thessalonians 3:6
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers and sisters, to keep away from every believer who is idle and disruptive and does not live according to the teaching you received from us.

Proverbs 10:4
Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.

Proverbs 6:6
Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!

When kids aren't busy enough they get in trouble.  Everyone I know seems to be feeling this as we are in nearing the end of summer.  If my kids have time to bicker and fight that means they've got too much time on their hands and they get some work to do!

Another reason for chores is that someday my kids will leave home and need to be able to do these things for themselves.  I've heard it said that a seven year old should be able to run a home.  What can your seven year old do?  The average seven year old is capable of doing all the basics it takes to run a home - laundry, basic cooking, taking care of little ones, making beds, some cleaning ...  I think very few seven year olds have had the training where they could do it though.  My kids aren't going to live with me forever (God help us!) and they need to be able to do these things for themselves.  The whole goal of parenting should be training and teaching our kids to go out there and be functional adults.  That means knowing what it takes to run a home, having a good attitude about work, and learning time management skills.  And that starts now.

So.  What do I do?  My kids have a star chart and each day they get a sticker for doing the basics of getting ready for the day.  When they get dressed, make their beds, wash their face, brush their teeth, and practice piano, they get a sticker.  10 stickers gets to go in the prize box.  Then they get allowance for doing two or three chores.  The get one quarter a day Monday thru Friday and Saturday and Sunday they just need to help because they are part of the family.  My five and six year olds can feed the pets, make breakfast and lunch, get the three year old dressed (pick out his clothes and help him a little), vacuum, make my bed (woohoo!), start laundry, and set and clear the table for meals.  And I almost forgot - my six year old was THRILLED when she found a travel sized ironing board I had from college and she promptly started ironing all her clothes with whatever heavy item she could find.  My wonderful mom couldn't take it and bought her an iron.  So my six year old can iron!  I do supervise some of these things (like cooking and ironing) but the better they get the less supervision they need and then easier life is for me.  I haven't been good about making the three year old do chores but need to start.  I think I will start by having him make his bed, help set and clear the table, and pick up outside toys.  Our kids used to always fight about who gets to open the door - car, house, wherever.  I did give that job to our three year old.  He's the only boy and I thought it would be good training - for both him and his sisters.  Someday we want them dating/marrying the kinds of guys that will open the doors for them and we want him to treat his future wife this way.  So he is the only one that ever gets to open the doors and his sisters have to wait.

http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/chore_list.htm  There are tons of these lists online but this is one that gives age appropriate chores.  I think kids could probably handle more than what's on here...  Only you know your child well enough to know what they can handle though.  Don't frustrate them by asking them to do things that they really just can't do yet.

http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/chorecharts4-10.htm  There are tons of chore charts out there and I like this site for those as well.  There are lots to choose from.

And here is a Focus on the Family article on why kids need chores and how to help them get started.  I've already said some of these things but it's always nice to get more ideas!
http://www.family.org.sg/default.aspx?go=article&aid=863

It's good for our kids to be proud of themselves and when they accomplish things they will be. Overconfidence can have it's own problems but far more often people lack confidence and have low self-esteem.  This is where the devil gets a foothold and Oh Lord may I never be the cause of this in my children!  I want my kids to be confident adults that God can use.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. 

I would love to hear what chores you have your kids do!  To post something, you do not have to have a blogger account.  Just type in the space where it says "Post a Comment", add your name at the end and hit the blue "Publish" button.

You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.

Do you ever feel like this?  I've had an especially rough couple of weeks with one of my kids and this is how I feel.  I was never an angry person until I had kids but it seems like there is something about those little people that has brought out all kinds of things.  Things I would have never thought I'd do, say, feel, think....I know a lot of moms (and dads) that struggle with anger but don't know what to do about it.

I have been trying to figure out what exactly causes the feelings of anger in me.  I think it's partly a loss of control.  Lack of sleep, blocked goals, no personal freedom, monetary stress - lots of things contribute.  In an effort to figure out a healthy way to deal with it I searched for a book on the topic and came up with this one.

I really like Gary Chapman. I have a hard time reading for information and there are some Christian Living books that I just can't get through.  My learning style struggles. But this author presents information in a way that is easy for me to understand.  I'm in the middle of this book and so far it's really good.   Anger is an emotion that God has and because we are created in His image we also have it.  Anger in itself is not a bad thing but is designed to motivate us to take positive action when we encounter injustice.    Learning how to handle anger and to distinguish between the types of anger is something that I think will be very helpful.

In this book, he says that the first step when dealing with anger is acknowledging to yourself that you are angry (even the Hulk does this :).  It sounds basic when you are obviously mad, but if you take the time to do this first step you are more likely to have a positive response.  Because the emotion of anger comes on so suddenly, often we are caught up in the verbal or physical response to the anger before ever consciously acknowledging what is going on inside of us.  He suggests actually saying the words out loud "I am angry about this.  Now what am I going to do."  You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take.

The second step he lists for handling valid anger is to restrain your immediate response.  Do what you need to do not react.  Bite your tongue, go on a walk, count to ten, take death breaths - do whatever it takes retrain your immediate response.  When you give full vent to your anger you will do or say something that cannot be undone.  Proverbs 19:11  Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.  

Next he says to locate the focus of your anger.  I find that when I'm getting upset with my kids, if I actually stop and think about my mood, it's usually not the kids I'm mad at.  It's often something else.  If I go through steps one and two and then take the time to analyze what I'm actually angry about I will be less likely to yell at my kids or take it out on them.  After finding the focus of your anger, step four is to analyze your options.  The Bible gives a specific way in which we are to deal with conflict with other believers.  Luke 9:54-56  You can choose to go and talk with the person who has wronged you or you can choose to give the matter to God.  There are times when the best Christian is to admit that I have been wronged but to conclude that confronting the person who did the wrong holds little or no redemptive value.  Therefore, I choose to accept the wrong and commit the person to God.  This is not the same as stuffing or store your anger.  It is quite the opposite.  It is releasing the anger to God....You are making a conscious choice to overlook the offence and this is what the Bible calls forbearance.  
After analyzing options the last step is to take action.  Either lovingly confront the person or give it to God.

The next part of the book talks about distinguishing between valid and distorted anger.  I thought this was a very good section.  Sometimes we feel anger because we have been wronged and sometimes we feel anger because we are are just tired, frustrated, hungry or having a bad day.  If we restrain our immediate response to anger we are able to think through whether or not we actually have a reason to be angry.  I hate it when I really think about it and realize that I actually had no right to be angry.  No injustice was inflicted upon me.  No one sinned against me - I was just being selfish.  Or "a little princess" as my mom would say.

If you stop and think about it - what do your kids do that make you angry?  Do you actually have a valid reason to be angry about it?  Is something they are doing bringing up feelings from childhood or from the past?  Are you just emulating your parents and how they responded?  I usually get angry because I wait too long to deal with things.  I am in the middle of something and don't want to stop.  I wait until the 13th time the kid yells (or does whatever) and by them I'm really mad.  Instead I should have dealt with it the first time - for their good and for mine.  It is important that I make sure they obey me the first time I say to do something.  I want my kids to know the right way to handle anger and conflict so that when they are my age they won't have to be unlearning some bad habits.  They will learn from the way my husband and I deal with anger so it's important that we get this figured out.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the book and what I'm going to learn.  I'll post more when I finish the it!

Making Memories

Money is tight for everyone I know and we are no exception.  I can't wait for the day when I don't have to agonize over a five dollar item at Costco wondering if it'll put me over.  There are so many things I wish we could do with our kids - trips to Disneyland or the coast, fun outings at Skywalk and Chuck E Cheese.  We recently went to the circus and that was a biggie for us because we don't do things that spendy very often.  It was our third child's first time and was so much fun.

There are lots of things that we can do with our kids that don't take a lot of money.  Or any money. Creating memories doesn't have to be expensive.  There's nothing wrong with the expensive things but if the money isn't there, I need to learn to be content and do what I can do.  One of my kids favorite things is a family game night.  We haven't done it in a long time and we really should do it soon.  I try to make a big deal of it and let them look forward to it all day - make popcorn, and get a special drink.  Some of our favorite games are Mickey Mouse Yahtzee, Chutes and Ladders, Old Maid, and Uno.  Our kids also love "pajama jumps".  We have a trampoline and sometimes my husband and I go out and jump with the kids for a little while after they've gotten their pajamas on.  Here are a few of the other things that we do sometimes or have done in the past that don't involve TV:

• flashlight walk - go for a walk after dark with flashlights, this is especially fun during Christmas when everyone's lights are up
• flashlight hide-n-seek - go outside after dark and play hide and seek with flashlights, the person hiding shuts off their light while they are being looked for
• camp in the yard
• sleep on the trampoline
• make s'mores at the fire pit
• go to the library and pick out books
• go to the zoo - we have an annual membership that is very reasonable
• go to the play area at the mall
• let the kids exercise with you - my oldest especially loves to exercise with us.  This isn't my favotie - I'd rather be alone when I exercise but the kids sure love it.
• bake cookies - my kids love this but I have a hard time with little helpers in the kitchen.  It's a skill they need to learn though so I need to let them help more often.
• get in the kiddie pool with them - there may not be room for anyone to swim but my kids sure love it when we get in with them
• play baseball or soccer - I'm sure any sport will do but these are the ones we've played with our kids
• turn on Pandora and dance
• color or play play dough with
• go to the park or on a walk around town

My mom was good at making holidays special and that's where my best childhood memories are from.  She planned ahead and worked at making the holiday about the kids having fun.  Sometimes as a grownup I need to remind myself that the holiday isn't for me or about me having a great day.  Holidays are a lot of work and I'd be happy skipping half of them because I don't need more to do.  Making memories for the kids is what my goal needs to be.  If I can keep things simple, plan ahead, and delegate it will make the day less stressful for me (and then more fun for everyone else).  Hmm...I think I need to start working on a post about holidays....

Slow down

A couple years ago my husband and I went away for the weekend without kids.  Our oldest was almost five at the time and that was our first trip with no kids.  It was so nice to get away!  I think the best part was not having to be anywhere at a certain time.  I'm sure that's the best part of any vacation but if you have kids along it's different.  Then you are tied to a certain schedule of naps and feedings.
On that trip though we were free!  We could do anything we wanted at any pace we wanted.  That slow pace was so nice.  At this phase of life it feels like I have to do everything at a dead run.  I am so busy "doing" though that it's hard for me to slow down and do things at the kids pace.

Do you ever see a parent walking along holding hands with their child but oblivious that they are dragging the poor kid.  The poor little thing just can't keep up.  I shake my head when I see that but feel like I'm doing that in other ways.  Shoot.  Maybe I do actually drag my kids along sometimes.  I always feel so hurried and like I have so much to do, but do I really?  All of it will still be there whether I'm feeling frazzled and in a rush about it or not, so I need to slow down.  My kids shouldn't have to run to keep up with me or worry if they are interrupting me. I need to slow down when they're getting dressed, getting in the car, eating... If I'm going to slow down for my kids we need to be less busy.  Makes sense but why is it so hard?  It is SO hard to not be too busy!  I don't know if it's just this phase of life or if it's how life is today because it's like this for everyone I know.  We love to have people over but it's really hard to find people who've got the free time for it.

I'm currently reading the book "No More Perfect Moms" and she talks about how we need to have a larger margin in our lives.   I couldn't find the exact quote but she said that the margin or white space in a book is important to the page and without it, it'd be hard to read.   We need that extra white space in our lives for breathing room.  We need margin in time and margin in our finances so when extra things come up it's not so stressful.  In order to do that we have to say "no" to things, narrow down activities and friendships and make some choices.  We recently got rid of satellite and Netflix and have been working at watching less TV.  That has helped free up some time.  It also helps when I limit my computer time.

I would love to say that I pray about our schedule but the truth is I usually forget to pray about things until after I've committed.  I used to feel more pressure not wanting to miss out on things but don't feel like I struggle with that anymore.  Four kids has cured me of that.  I'm so busy just taking care of the basics that some of the things I used to worry about have gone out the window.  Since we homeschool   we have more free time than some families.  We are able to do lots of activities but it's easy to over commit.  I do need to work harder at praying before I add things to our schedule though.  If everything on the calendar is ok'd by God then it'll be easier to have peace while getting it all done.

A gentle answer...

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

I have memorized this verse before but I recently found this treasure again and after having kids think that it's taken on new meaning for me.  And I think it also goes along well with yesterdays post about the tone of the home.  How we talk to each other is such a huge part of our home.  The tone of our voice, the volume of our voice, the intent with which we say things...  I wish I could say this part of our home is under control but it's not.  I yell, snap at people, say sarcastic things, and speak when I really should be quiet.  It's something to strive for though and I'm working on it because the way I speak influences how everyone else in our home interacts with each other.  What a big responsibility that is (yes another one!).  It influences how my husband talks to our kids, how the kids respond to us, how they talk to each other, and the tone of our home.  I want my family to be positively affected by the tone in our home but I want other people who come into our home to feel it too.

Everyone knows someone who is soft spoken and who it would seem shocking to hear a harsh word from.  Isn't it nice to be with that person?  They exude peace and if you haven't noticed I wanna be next to peace.  When you are with them do you find yourself talking that way too?  I do.  When I'm with a soft spoken person I find myself lowering my voice, thinking more before I speak, and slowing down.  

James 3:3-6

 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

There is no question how the author feels about this, is there?  And he's so right.  What we say is important!  When we chose to respond to our kids and our husbands with a gentle answer we change things.  It changes how they then respond to us!  And then how they go about their day responding to those they come in contact with.  And that is the point.  I want my kids to be a light for Christ, out there making a difference for the Kingdom.  But it all starts at home.

I recently heard the author Sheri Rose Shepard speaking on Focus on the Family.  She was talking about her book "Preparing Him for the Other Woman", a book about raising sons to be good husbands.  (I bet every wife in the world wishes her mother-in-law had read a book like this!)

 She mentioned sarcasm and how it is absolutely NOT allowed in their home and is treated right up there with lying.  Her reason was that it is disrespectful and if she was going to raise her son to be a good husband he needed to treat his wife with respect in his speech.  A lot can be masked with sarcasm but the inner attitude is still the same and it is one of disrespect.  When we have a gentle answer with our children it doesn't just involve the volume of our voice but the attitude in which we are delivering it.


And same with our husbands.  If you've read the book "Love and Respect" you'll remember how important respect is to our husbands.  Until reading this book I had no idea how it made my husband feel if I rolled my eyes or said something snotty (yes snotty) because it didn't do the same thing to me.  If you haven't read this one I'd recommend it and think it is the best book on marriage I've read.

The next time one of your stinker kids throws a fit or yells at you don't yell back.  Even as I type that I think of how glaringly immature that is but it's reflex isn't it?  Go beyond reflex this week.  Work at having a gentle answer with your husband and kids and see if it doesn't make a difference.  I'm sure it will!

Mom sets the tone

It may not be fair but it's true - mom sets the tone for the home.  It doesn't matter if your house is messy or clean, if you spend time reading or crafting with your kids, or if you go and do lots of fun things.  What they will remember is the tone of the home they grew up in.  If they had a happy mom or a stressed out and frazzled mom.  If their mom smiled and stopped to listen, or was always unhappy and busy.  You may have a perfectly valid reason for being upset but when you are a mom you don't just get to have a bad mood because your bad mood seems to affect everything.  What a huge responsibility that is.   If this is the reality of being a mom how do you handle it?

A while back I had the realization that I was really really crabby when I first woke up.  I was shocked to figure that out because I had always thought I was a morning person.  But I guess I'm not.  I hated that the first thing my kids were greeted with each morning was a "WHY are you out of bed!!"  no matter what time they were out of bed.  I determined that I need two cups of coffee and thirty minutes in order to be fully alert and pleasant so that is what I usually strive for.  It means getting up earlier so I can beat my kids up but the tone of the home that they are waking up to is so much nicer.  It also means doing whatever it takes to ease the stress in my life.  Being over committed to things causes stress for me so I need to work harder at not doing that.  I need to pray before (and not after) I sign us up for stuff.  Exercise is a good stress release and eating healthy affects the mood so that's what I need to do.  I also need a break from my kids sometimes.  Since we homeschool I am with them a lot.  I mean a LOT.  I need to plan time away from them so I can have that time to look forward to when we're having a rough day.

What else can you do to improve the tone of your home?  I like to use music.  Hymns are my favorite but any kind of Christian music will do.  My mom always said that it filters the air and I agree.  I have a friend who if she is having a rough time gets the coffee ready for the next day.  Then she knows that at least tomorrow will start right.  Another friend goes to her bedroom, closes the door, and prays.  Sometimes even just a few minutes to clear your head and reset can help.  Susanna Wesley used to throw her apron over her head and pray.  She had a houseful of children and no way to escape but those kids knew that when the apron was over her head she was praying.  I wish that my first response was to pray but it's not.  It's usually to go get a soda or to eat something sweet.  (Praise the Lord for food pantry I can fit a stool into!)

The tone of my home not only affects my family, it affects anyone who comes in contact with my home.  What a ministry this can be!

I don't know if it's true but I heard once that when you take deep breaths it sends more oxygen to the brain and actually relaxes you.  Whatever the scientific reason, I do think taking deep breaths helps and after I started doing that my six year old noticed it and she started doing it.  It has become a really useful tool for her to help herself calm down.  The tools we use to cope and deal, is what our kids see and will think to turn to.  Those little eyes and ears see everything.  Do as I say not as I do children!!  I need to be better at this because they need to see me go grab my Bible or stop and pray and not go get a soda or treat.  And they need to see me count my blessings.

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.