I hate it when I go to bed at night and in thinking back through the day realize I didn't actually talk to any of my kids today. We home school. That means we are home together ALL day. And yet there are days when I get to the end of it and don't remember if I ever actually looked any of them in the eye. I don't remember actually listening to them let alone giving anyone a hug. I remember being on a mission to do important grown up things but not much else. Those kind of days give me a knot in the stomach and I hate that feeling. My kids are growing so fast and I just wasted part of that time with them.
There are a lot of mom blogs that currently focus on this topic. Many of them feel unbalanced to me though. They talk about the need to let go of distractions and focus on our kids and while we do need to do that, we also have things to get done. I don't think it's good for kids to be the sole focus of life. So how do we do both??
Every mom finds her own balance in this area. I think it probably needs to start with having margin in your life. Extra time. Not having every single second filled up with stuff. When I'm too busy my kids are the ones who feel it. And by too busy, that can mean too busy doing kid things too. I was recently feeling guilty that my kids can't be in certain activity. When I actually thought through all the things that they are involved in though - church, Awana, karate, basketball (starts soon), piano, our home school group - I realized I was being silly and they are fine.
When I'm unorganized in my home management my kids feel it. Running a home is a big job and not one I can put on the back burner. If I don't menu plan, my grocery shopping is off, and we end up eating grilled cheese or pizza. Not that those are bad things but seriously I think one week this month we ate pizza four times. Four! And once I just skipped dinner making and made cookies instead. This is December so that's my excuse, but it really is time to get back on track around here.
If I don't follow a routine for housework I feel inner stress. Some mamas are wonderful at internalizing stress and putting on a smile for the family. I am not one of those. Very few things are internalized and most is right out there in the open. As I mature I think I'm getting better though. I'm envious of my husband because he's great at this. He could have a really really bad day at work but come home and be completely pleasant to be around. Maybe someday that will be me. Anyways, back to the housework. With a family of six there is a lot of it. I have a wonderful little planner on the front of my fridge with housework broken up into the days of the week. I think it's been a year since I've used it though! It's time to get back on track around here.
Give yourself emotional permission to have time to yourself. My husband is wonderful at encouraging me in this. "You do not have to entertain them every single second" he says. And he's right. I feel guilty if I don't spend enough time with them but in actuality I did just spend an entire day with them. It's ok if not all of it was spent making cookies and creating art together. They do not get to neeeeed me every second and sometimes they can wait. Sometimes they can figure it out for themselves. And sometimes they can go ask their big sister (aren't they lucky they have 2?!). My kids know that they do not get to yell for me, they can come and find me. If they do yell for me I almost never answer them. I realized that when I don't answer right away, they figure it out for themselves (whatever it was). Aha! That's good for them! There was one week that every time someone asked me something they should know the answer too, I started singing loudly. (That was good for me too - hard to feel crabby when I'm walking around singing loud hymns.)
So, in order to not have that sinking feeling at night, I need to have my time more organized. I can't be too busy, need to stay on top of the food situation and the housework. Give myself permission to have time to myself and make them figure things out on their own sometimes. I also need to work at connecting with them. I'm a "doer" and it doesn't come easy to me to set things aside but sometimes I need to. It's time to get back on track around here! Yay that it's almost January and the perfect time to be doing that.
