You won't like me when I'm angry - part 2

I just finished this book and it was so good - I wish I could give a copy to everyone I know!  Very few people are raised seeing anger handled the right way and if everyone used the principles in this book it would change so many things.  This book had chapters on what to do when you are angry with your spouse, with your kids, with God, and with yourself and how to confront an angry person.

When you get angry do you implode or explode?  Both have consequences but the consequences are different.  The definition of implosive anger is "internalized anger that is never expressed" (p.88)   It can come from a fear of confrontation or the incorrect thinking that all anger is wrong. You can recognize when  person is doing this by their withdrawal, and saying things like "I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated"  or "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed."  When you implode you don't say anything.  You brood, simmer, and deny.  Recognizing that I usually internalize anger was good because many times I've been angry I didn't want to admit it, for whatever reason.  And didn't actually even recognize it as anger.  It's hard to go about handling it the right way if you don't recognize it!

One of the dangers of long term unprocessed anger is that it can lead to depression and health problems later in life.  You just cannot stuff it forever because someday the long term affects of anger will show.   That makes perfect sense to read but I have known people that struggled with depression and I had never before thought of it coming from unresolved anger issues.  You can deal with wrongs and injustices from years ago.  You need to!   You have a choice whether to seek reconciliation or give it to God and the book goes into detail about how to do both.  Either way you will feel better when through it.  Ephesians 4:26  In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

I thought the chapter on how to confront an angry person was helpful, although it's actually more about when an angry person confronts you  :).  I have one child that

shows anger more - some temperaments just do.  When she gets angry she usually gets in trouble because of the way she's talking.  She gets sent to time out or to her room until she can calm down and this does quiet things down but doesn't actually deal with the issue of her anger.  "Putting a cap on it" as the author says.  We end up focusing on the outburst and then forget to deal with the issue that started it and it's not helping her, it's making her worse.   We may not like the way the angry person is speaking to us, but the fact that he is sharing his anger is positive.  The anger cannot be processed positively if it is held inside.  It needs to be expressed, even if it is expressed with a loud voice.  In order to help the angry person, you must temporarily overlook the loudness of his voice, the glare of her eyes, and the intensity of the body language.  If you are dealing with a friend, neighbor or anyone else I completely agree but for your own child I just don't know what I think of this.  It seems to make sense but I also just can't let my child yell at me.  Usually when she's gotten to that point she's not making sense and can't even here us.  Maybe I can send her to calm down but then make sure I do not overdo the punishment and work at listening to her more once she's out.

The biggest thing I can do as a parent is to set a good example because my kids are going to emulate me.  The next thing to do is listen to them.  Listen, listen, listen!  I don't think it's ok for my kid to be yelling at me but if I can get past that part for a second and listen to what she's actually upset about maybe I will be able to help her more.  We can deal with the other afterwards.  As parents we have so much control - we can guide our children through anger episodes.  If we remain calm, don't take it personal, and listen we can help them.  Or at least I hope so because just sending her to time out for yelling isn't working.

There are so many other good things in this book - I hope that someone out there gets it and reads it!   I hope that I am able to help my family and I hope that my ability to reach others for Christ is affected because I'm living how He would want me to live.