It's made me feel a little reflective about my own marriage and what about it makes it work. My husband and I were young when we got married, 20 and 21. This year will be 14 years for us. I don't think it's just luck that we're here now. We're working at it! And God is helping us! Years 5-7 are the traditional bumpy ones and we had some bumps too. Over all it's been pretty great though and I'm so thankful for that. What advice would you have for someone getting married? What do you think makes a good marriage? Here are just a few things I thought of:
Get the order right. Our priorities should be God first, spouse second, kids third. Remember that your husband is only human. Don't look to him to fill the spaces in your heart that God should fill.
Be equally yoked. 2 Corinthian 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What's that verse mean? Here's another one. Deuteronomy 22:10 Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together. The picture of that is just silly isn't it? It wouldn't work. It also doesn't work well when one of the couple is a believer and one isn't. Being at very different places in your walk with God also makes things hard. When you know God, it should affect every single thing about you. And I would think it'd be awful hard to raise kids with someone who doesn't feel the same way you do about everything.
Don't marry the idea of someone. Marry who they are right then. It's good to see potential in your mate but he should be who you want to be married to right then when you do it. If you go into marriage planning on changing certain things you might be very disappointed. They might not ever change.
Don't be the enemy of your spouses dreams. My mom used to say this. It means if, for example, you know that more than anything in the world, your husband likes dogs and wants to have one someday, don't be surprised and act like a jerk when he wants to get one. If you know going into the marriage that your wife is a horse person or that she wants to have kids, those things shouldn't come as a surprise later. Make those decisions before you get married and your marriage will be easier.
Give some grace. A while back our pastor did a sermon series on marriage and said this: "There are things about you that the people in your life just put up with". Humbling reminder. There might be things about your husband that drive you crazy but I bet there's things about you that he's just putting up with too. Give some grace!
Fight fair. One of my very favorite things about my husband is that he fights fair. He's very black and white and analytical in his thinking. Justice and fairness are part of his being. In boxing, hitting below the belt means that you're aiming at some extremely sensitive stuff. Getting hit there is more painful. You know your spouse better than anyone and know what would hurt them. Don't do that when you're fighting. Or ever.
Be nice. I don't know how many times I've heard my husband say "I don't know what's so hard about being married. Just don't be a jerk." I think he's right. Be nice to your spouse. It doesn't matter if he deserves it or not. I once heard a wife say that she knew her husband loved butterscotch things but "ppffttt she wasn't making them." Made me sad for that husband. Your husband deserves more than that. If you know he likes something, make it for him. If you know it drives him crazy when you leave the cupboard doors open, stop doing that. If he wants the remote left in a certain place, leave it there! How hard is that??
Let it go. Pick your battles and don't bring up the old ones. Decide - is this the hill you want to die on? And sometimes it might be. But if it's not, let it go. The clothes on the floor or the placement of the remote are not things to harbor bitterness over. I once heard my mother-in-law say "I can either be crabby about this or I can choose not to be. Being mad about it's not going to change anything. It just ruins my mood." And she chooses not to be crabby about just about anything. Her goal in life is to have fun! That may not be your goal in life, but you can still choose not to let certain things ruin life.
Pray, pray, pray, pray. It's hard to have a hard spot towards someone you are praying for. If you're in a bumpy season, pray for your spouse. Prayer changes things and it'll change your attitude and mindset as well as bless the person you're praying for.
Marriage has seasons. Just like parenting has seasons, marriage has seasons too. As a parent, the baby years may be easy for you but the teen years hard. Or the teen years easy and the college years hard. Marriage goes through phases too and some are just going to be easier than others. Push through! As you live with your spouse and go through different jobs, houses, financial situations, just remember that everything is a season. It may be a great season or it may be a hard one. But it's just a season. Be committed to stay through all the seasons.
I think it was Dr. Dobson who said "be a student of your spouse". Pay attention to your husband. Learn his Love Language! Life changes you and the person you marry at 21 will probably not be the same at 50. Talk to him. And listen! Learn about the things he loves. Does he have hobbies? Show some interest. Even better, try to join him! Find things you can do together. That leads me to the next one. Date your spouse. We have four kids and we homeschool and so I cannot WAIT to get out of the house and be alone with my husband. We need that alone time. To check in, keep on the same page, plan things for our family, and just talk without being interrupted.
Canoodle. I have a whole blog post about that, so go ahead and find it. It has been my most read blog post BY FAR. Sex is a pretty important part of marriage so if that area is unhealthy, your marriage will suffer.
Do you have any advice on marriage? What do you think makes for a good marriage?
LOVE!!! (And thank you!)
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