We have four kids who are all pretty verbal and I was reminded recently that I need to work with them on their conversation skills. It is a skill and all skills have elements of learning involved. Being able to carry on a conversation is a sign of emotional maturity too. I want emotionally mature kids and that has nothing to do with age. I've known five year old's who were better at making pleasant conversation than some adults.
To start with, there is a time and a place for conversation. In the middle of karate class or while in church isn't it. That's when you need to be listening, not talking. The karate teacher does not want to hear about your dream last night or the trip we took last weekend. Some teachers might but unless they ask specifically, class is not a time to share those things. Neither is while checking out at the store.
It's not all about you. Ask questions and remember the answers. I have a good memory and find it offensive when people don't remember me. I don't mean for that to sound egotistical at all but if I'm introduced to someone one week, I think they should remember me by the next week. Maybe not my name but there should be at least some spark of recognition if they were paying attention at all. If you're the kind of person who struggles with remembering people, work at it. Woooork at it! You don't have to remember their name even - just be honest and say "I'm so sorry I know we've met before but I can't remember your name." Or "Have we met before? I'm sorry I can't remember."
Wait your turn and listen. You might have something you want to say, but if your friend is talking you need to listen. Listening is a HUGE part of conversation because conversation is a two-way thing. It's different from talking which is just one-way. Most people have encountered someone who talks at them. Patient endurance is how you get through those people. I had a friend in high school and a lot of our time together was spent waiting for the other to stop talking so we could say something. We knew we were doing it and made a joke of it but genuine conversations aren't just about waiting for your turn to talk. You need to be paying attention to what the other person is saying.
Don't be afraid of pauses. Some people need a sec to collect their thoughts before they speak. I feel this way. Just because there's a pause doesn't mean you need to fill that. Take a breath. Relax. Not all conversations have to move at warp speed. Pay attention to the person you're talking to. I feel run over the top of when with someone who never allows for a pause so I can speak.
Don't be a dominator. No one likes talking to that person who won't shut up. And if you're the verbal one, try looking for clues that you're losing your audience. If their eyes glass over and they start looking around or at their watch, that's a clue. I would be HORRIFIED if I thought someone was just patiently waiting for me to shut up so they could get away. Pay attention!
Excessive details are annoying so try to stay on point. Your listener doesn't need to know that at 7am you did this and then at 7:15 that happened. It takes some critical thinking to be able to summarize and get to the point. Work at leaving out the unimportant stuff.
If you're talking to someone you don't know very well, ask questions that aren't too personal and then let the person answer them. It takes a little while for kids to know what's appropriate and what isn't. I've met lots of adults who struggle with this too though. Your child's open house at school probably isn't the time to ask the teacher about her marriage troubles. Think a little before you pry. If it's a weighty question that you do feel you have a right to talk about, make sure the time and place is right. In the car is not it!!! Do not EVER bring up uncomfortable topics in a car. If you make a person feel trapped then they probably aren't going to love talking to you. And they may never ride in a car with you again! Seriously. Don't do this.
Show genuine interest in the person's answers. Sometimes you may not feel like talking and showing interest but if that's the case, then stay home from the party (or wherever). No one wants the antisocial guy (or girl) at the party. Is that how you want people to think of you? "Oh great, so and so is coming". Don't be that guy (or girl).
Don't interrupt. That's pretty basic but is still something that needs taught. I do it all the time! (Dang it.) I remember things and blurt them out. I need to stop that. It's rude!
Practice with your kids. It's surprising the number of families who don't spend time talking to one another. Dinner time is the perfect time to practice conversational skills. If you don't sit down to dinner with your kids, start! My husband and I inhale our food. We actually got to know one another because we were always at the front of the food line at college. This is something we need to work on because the dinner hour shouldn't take ten minutes. Our kids aren't allowed to leave the table till everyone's done eating (and neither are the husband and I). They have to stay at the table and make pleasant conversation. Learning to sit down at a table and eat is a good thing. There could be a whole blog post about the things kids learn from family style dinners at a table.
Do you have any tips for teaching your kids conversational skills? I would love to hear them!
No comments:
Post a Comment